Life Drills On...

    In Conclusion with this book, two things Lewis said about life and grief will be stuck in my mind forever. Lewis says,"It doesn't really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentist's chair or let your hands lie in you lap.  The drill drills on." That is such a good example we can relate to.  No one likes to go to the dentist and get their teeth drilled on. That fear of pain and the anticipation causes people to grasp that chair tightly as if it will alleviate the pain or keep the dentist from drilling.  The fear and pain of grief causes people to cling to certain things to make the sadness go away, but the pains of grief can continue as you live day by day. He also says, "I once read the sentence 'I lay awake all night with a toothache, thinking about the toothache and about lying awake.' That's true to life. Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."  He points out that our minds continually remind ourselves what present situation we are in and torments us day to day that things will not change. If you think of yourself a certain way and believe it, you eventually will be like that unless you change your mindset. For example, if you continually say you're sick and dwell on it, then studies have shown that you will get sick. The mind is a powerful thing and if you're not careful, you can talk yourself into believing anything. 
      In Lewis' book, A Grief Observed, he provides examples to compare his grief to. Because he does this, the book is easy to read and  understand.  

The Pains Of Grief Are Universal

   Life is something we all are experiencing, but death is the devastating and unknown process that everyone will eventually go through.  Life is full of questions, but so is death. Whether you believe in an afterlife or not, the thought of dying one day stirs an anxious feeling in our stomachs.  Even though God created us in His image, we are all still different with different personalities, but two things are certain about the human race: we cannot escape death and the pain of grief is universal.
   As I reached the end of A Grief Observed, Lewis has come to the realization that death is a process in life and God will be there for you through the grieving process. The last paragraph of the book starts out by saying "How wicked it would be, if we could, to call the dead back! She said not to me but to the chaplain, 'I am at peace with God'. She smiled, but not at me. Poi si torno all' eterna fontana."  The book ends with a quote from Dante's Paradise, which was written hundreds of years ago, that says 'Poi si torno all' eterna fontana.'  This quote translated means "Then she turned back to the eternal fountain".  In Dante's book, Paradise, he describes Beatrice looking at him for the last time in paradise and said " So I prayed, and as distant as she was, she smiled and gazed at me. Then she turned back to the eternal fountain."  Beatrice finally and forever turned away from the poet, whom she was guided to heaven toward the glory of God.  This paragraph seems to be C.S. Lewis' way of confessing his faith in the fact that there, in the presence of God, his wife, whose departure in death has been such a resolution to him, is now lost in the rapture of God.
   This book is truly life changing and relevant to anyone, no matter your religion, who is grieving over a loved one.  Madeleine L'Engle wrote the Forward to this book and said that this book "Gives us permission to admit our own doubts, or own angers and anguishes, and to know that they are a part of the soul's growth."  In the end, Lewis doesn't alleviate his grief, but he is more at peace with God.  This book is so remarkable because it allows the reader relate their pains associated with grief to Lewis' pains from grief.  If you are debating on reading this book because you assume his devotion to God would influence his way of overcoming grief the "christian way" and would not be relevant to the way you might feel,don't put the book down because you might be surprised.

When God Seems Silent During Hard Times

In the last Chapters of A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis talks more about God than he does the suffering of his wife's death and his pain without her.  The reader gets to see Lewis questioning God and basically asking God to put himself in his shoes and see how you would feel.  Lewis asks God, " Lord,are these your real terms? Can I meet H. again only if I learn to love you so much that I don't care whether I meet her or not? Consider, Lord, how it looks to us.  What would anyone think of me if I said to the boys, 'No toffee now. But when you've grown up and don't really want toffee you shall have as much of it as you choose'?" I think we try to bargain with God and tell God to "step" in our shoes but God actually already knows how we feel.  I think anyone questioning God like can relate and feel like God isn't fair.  Also, Lewis, like many Christians and people seeking God, ask questions to God about why he won't answer our prayers.  He does seem at times silent when we think we most need Him, but he really never left us, but is only not telling us because He knows what's best.  It's so easy to think like this and I have done it so many times when I want answers. God isn't a genie who is supposed to grant us our wishes and what we want, but He is our creator and knows our needs at the time.  For example, Lewis realizes this by saying, "When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'no answer'. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand'.  He is basically saying that when you are going through a tough time and need God's answers, He hasn't shut the door on you and given up on you or doesn't care about what you're going through.  God is merely just waiting there with you patiently being silent because He knows the outcome of your situation and for us to be patient and have peace that God will take care of our worries.  These few passages provide great details to what kind of God He is to his people.  These several paragraphs could definately help someone in either doubt of God, or someone who can't figure out why God "isn't there".  This shows that we don't need to know all of life's answers, but to just trust that God will handle our problems and be there for us.  I really enjoyed this chapter because it provides so much clarity to God and how great He really is to us.

 

Grief is a process

 This Chapter has by far been my favorite so far. In the first paragraph in the chapter, Lewis opens up by saying "I thought I could describe a state(referring to grief), make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process."  I think at this point, the reader can definately learn from what he went through. He no longer shows doubt as much as he used to about God, but he has accepted her death for what it is and is trying to live again.  I think it's so true by saying that grief is not a state of being but it's a rough process to go through. You can't map out what grief looks like because it is always changing everyday and is never the same. As I wrote in the first few blogs about this book, grief takes time and healing for each person. Grief is not something you can read before it happens and prepare for it because you honestly don't know how you will handle it because it's a constant process and growth and a rollercoaster of the ups and downs with emotions. However, I feel like reading A Grief Observed will help someone who is in the grieving process and needs hope and comfort. I believe this book can change a person's life and help them overcome these obstables. This book isn't about research on a particular subject with academic references, but is rather a true story of his personal stuggles with grief. Therefore, how can anyone say this isn't a good book?  This is his experience with grief and how HE delt with it... not how everyone deals with it. That's what makes this book so wonderful and inspiring to read. You get to read and feel what's going on in his head and how he overcomes this. This is a story of a Christian who lets these circumstances control his emotions and feelings towards his relationship with God, but also it's a story of how God is there with you no matter what happens and Lewis is realizing that and no longer questions God's love for his people.
   On the positive side, Lewis tells how there are "...two enormous gains..." from all this.  One of his gains was that he "Turned to God,my mind no longer meets that locked door; turned to H(his wife)., it no longer meets that vacuum-nor all that fuss about my mental image of her."  This is a true example of how Christians are not perfect and we do struggle and doubt because we are human, but we do serve a God that is perfect and forgiving and  who loves us unconditionally.

  

Holding On and Not Letting Go

  C.S. Lewis put a collection of journal entries about the struggles he endured with grief after the death of his wife.  These collections of his grieving thoughts was later put into a book called, A Grief Observed, and is a best seller.  I love this book because he shows the reader that he is human just like everyone else and he went through the pain and suffering of losing a loved one like many people have. In the pieces that I read, his thoughts are even more relevent to someone who can't get over the loss of a loved one and has gone mad in a way.  He descrribes his feelings of trying to keep her even though she's gone.  He states that people try to keep the same rituals going even when the person isn't there. Just like how Queen Victoria became a little crazy after the death of her husband.  She would have her deceased husband's clothes put out for dinner every evening. Lewis describes it as "It made the dead far more dead".  I believe people who do these have not accepted the fact that their  loved one is gone and will no longer be here to experience maybe dinner together or celebrated an anniversary together or so on.  People don't like to let go and Lewis' comments about this is so relevant to anyone that is having a hard time letting go... no matter if you are the Queen of England, a famous writer, or just Jane Doe who isn't well known.  He is right when he states that people need to realize that doing these things will keep your longing for them to be alive again and "emphasizes their deadness".  He has come to a realization that he can't keep holding on if he wants to remember her. HE HAS TO MOVE ON.... and this passage could definately be a good thing for someone to read who is going through the same thing he is. This book is definitely about real and personal experience which makes this even more interesting to read.

More Thoughts on C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed"

  In the Bible, Ecclesiastes 3:4 says that "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ...a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance." Therefore, God clearly informs us that we WILL go through different seasons in life.  Some seasons will be good, and others will be bad... that's just the part of life that everyone experiences. Seasons only last for a while until we go through another season. Life is all about change... it is a never ending process that we can't slow down.  Everyone will experience death one day and everyone will lose a loved one as God informs us, but how we react to these trials and troubles in life will affect our mental state of mind and our relationships with friends and family, but especially with our relationship with God.

  As I continue to read "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis, all I want to do is cry.  Just when(once again) I am happy to see some healing with Lewis, he drops into this misery again. He says, "What is grief compared with physical pain? Whatever fools may say, the body can suffer twenty times more than the mind.  The mind has always some power of evasion. At worst, the unbearable thought only comes back and back, but the physical pain can be absolutely continuous.  Grief is like a bomber circling round and dropping its bombs each time the circle brings it overhead; physical pain is like the steady barrage on a trench in World War One, hours of it with no let-up for a moment.  Thought is never static; pain is often. I believe at this point he has thought and cried and thought and cried so much that he has had lack of sleep which is now causing his body to ache and feel like he'd been hit by a semi. After he got some much needed sleep, he felt somewhat renewed, but the sleep didn't eradicate his grief.  

  In this certain passage, he describes more in depth about his grief and compares it to a person who had their leg amputated.  He said, " After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies.  If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop.  Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg.  He has 'got over it.' But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man.  There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it.  Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different.  His whole way of life will be changed.  All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off.  Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches.  Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden-leg.  But I shall never be a biped again."  In comparison to his present state, his wife was like the leg that was part of him and then cut off forever.  When I worked at the hospital, I had to take care of patients who just came out of surgery and there were at least 1-2 patients a night that had either one or both legs amputated.  They had to change their whole lifestyle and learn to live everyday without that leg, just how C.S. Lewis is going to have to learn to live and go on with life,but not forget her. Yes, every time he goes to bed, he will not have her there and that will be a reminder, like the person who has one leg and tries to dress themselves like they used to.  But it is reassuring to see that he is "learning to get about on crutches" and try to live his life one step at a time.  

   This certain passage I read didn't talk a lot about God, but I thought it was good to read about his continuous struggles and this slow and painful process he is trying to overcome. 

     

More on "A Grief Observed"

Since this book is shorter than most of his books, i'm going to try and break down each chapter in half. Chapter three that I discussed in the last post lacked some of the information I believe was crucial in chapter three.  This chapter was more of a turning point for C.S. Lewis and was much easier to read because it seemed like a burdon or heaviness was somewhat lifted off his shoulders. In part of chapter three he says, "If my house had collapsed at one blow, that was because it was a house of cards." That quote hit me hard and made me think about what he meant by that.  I started to think that maybe he was referring to how building a house of cards would take time and patience to do. I guess that's what life is like. It takes time and patience to build a solid relationship with God and have faith in him, but on the other hand it seemed like he was referring to his belief and faith being unstable and uncertain like a house built of cards would be. Like he said, with one blow it would fall to the ground like how his faith would be if something bad happened in his life.  But in reality, our lives shouldn't end because of one mishap or disaster... we should learn to build it back up and learn from our circumstances and maybe build the house with bricks next time.