"A Grief Observed" Chapter 3

 It seems that in this chapter Lewis may be realizing that death is a process of life and everyone will go through this, but he is still arguing why God would do this.  It breaks my heart to read his thoughts and anxieties about the death of his wife.  This is probably one of the best books i've read from a Christian author.  This book isn't about some religious scholar educating us about Christianity and what is right or wrong, this is soley about his personal jourmals about his life after her death.  This book really lets you picture Lewis going through the grieving process which I have personally had to deal with when my Nanny passed away last year.  Like what Lewis is thinking, I couldn't comprehend that my nanny is not here anymore and never will be. That's hard to accept when you love someone so dearly. I've been a Christian for a long time and I still had thoughts about why God "took" her from me because I(selfishly) needed her here.
  In this chapter, Lewis doesn't hold back his feeling for God and what he thinks about God.  At some points in this chapter I thought, "I would be so scared that God would strike me dead for saying that". But this is simply his own way of dealing with this grief and trying to move on. I keep thinking and hoping that as I read, things will turn around for him and it eventually did. He talks about how he woke up one morning and he felt "lighter" than normal. At that point, he starts to slowly come to the realization that she is dead and God is not as bad as he had been talking about in the first 2 chapters. He explains that he was never able to remember her because he was so focused on mourning and thinking about the loss of her. He tells how he is then able to remember her and the good times by not mourning so much over her.  He also talks about how he cried out to God and never felt any peace or comfort for her passing, but he says that God couldn't give it to him because Lewis was like "the drowning man who couldn't be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear".  The whole time he was blaming God for his grief when actually he wouldn't allow God to comfort him.  He also opens up by admitting "God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't."
  This chapter made me feel a lot better when I finished reading because he finally found some clarity and realization with his grief.  He went from totally doubting God and believing God was hurtful to us and was a punisher.  I'm excited to keep reading and hopefully he continues to think more positive with this death.